A Writer’s Journey

When I was in elementary school, I wrote poems that my teachers praised and displayed. When I was in middle school, I was placed in Honors English. Same in high school. When I applied to college, I wanted to major in English to become a writer. For fear of disappointing my parents, though, I chose Biology. It was a path of most resistance that led to a fruitless end. Through a series of missteps and poor decisions, I didn’t find my educational calling until I was 27 years old. By then, I realized Sociology was my intellectual vibe – it approaches knowledge by examining the world through a lens that connects the micro (daily life) to the macro (things larger than the individual).

I glided through the bachelor’s degree, MA and PhD. I’ve read the confessions of many others about their harrowing experiences in graduate school. For me, it was a breeze. Maybe because I was older, more mature and more focused on the rigors of graduate school life. I was very shy publicly, but graduate seminars were a stage where I commanded the performances of intellectual discourse and debate. I was passionate about theory as an abstract examination. Criminology, race, gender and immigration were, and are, concrete personal explorations tied to societal structures and institutions. I took electives like Social Entrepreneurship, Sports Management, the Economics of Labor Movements, and the History of Sexuality in American Life. I like to think of myself as always open to new information of all sorts. Financially, I was okay. Mom and Dad paid for my car insurance. All other bills were manageable since I was given a tuition free admittance and $1200 a month for a 20 hour a week job as a teaching assistant. I subsidized that income with side jobs like refereeing volleyball games and tutoring the Longhorn athletes. I ate a lot of ramen, white rice with eggs and spam, and canned green beans, but I hit the gym at least five times a week.

As an undergad, I published a book chapter and presented at a conference. Graduate school gave me more opportunities like that. When I completed my doctorate, my mentors encouraged me to publish my dissertation as a book. It examined the areas of market forces, race, and gender in immigrant entrepreneurship (Vietnamese nail salons and Vietnamese shrimpers). The study went on to become two documentary films, but I never attempted to publish it as a book. I became a community college professor and continued to publish in academic spaces. I never thought about the literary world. Why should I? The academic world was my oyster, a natural place in my head that produced shimmery pearls of epistemological wisdom. But during summer breaks, I sought out literary books that filled my heart with epic stories of the imagination. I’m a binge reader. I know immediately by the end of the first chapter if I’m going to finish a book or not. I read The Bronze Horseman by Paulina Simmons, an 832 page book, in two sittings. Starting at 8pm one humid evening, I dashed through 3/4 book by 5am the next dewy morning. I slept 3 hours and woke up to finish it by the time Mom called out to us to come eat lunch. It is “a story of forbidden love set in World War II Leningrad (now St. Petersburg) during the infamous and deadly Leningrad blockade. The day that war is declared in Russia, 17-year-old Tatiana fatefully meets secretive Alexander, a soldier in the Red Army.” It doesn’t end well, and that’s why I loved it. Love stories were my thing but only if it ended tragically. Call it my dark side, maybe an essentialist part of my soul that knew my past, present, and perhaps future life would always stumble into a place of love painted in shades of black and grey.

So how did I become engrossed into literary writing? It started with a professional development workshop at my college about 7 years ago. The topic was about blogging. The best thing I learned from that workshop was “don’t write for an audience, write for yourself.” It helped answer the question that held me back from ever writing just for the sake of storytelling – who wants to read what I have to write? Academically, there is purpose in the “educational” aspect that makes it “easy”. Gather the data and pull insight from theoretical approaches to form some sort of intellectual conclusion. Easy. But in all honesty, who reads that kind of academic shit anyway? Other academics and students in an academic setting.

I started my blog soon after. At first, I infused academic topics (citations included) with a little bit of storytelling – always with a touch of personal experience or insight. It felt extremely satisfying to be free from the rigid structures of academic writing. Write just to write. In the process, something transformational happened – when I started to share feelings and emotions, some sort of magical chemistry of the body unplugged the portals between my head and my heart.

When I ended my marriage in 2016, I didn’t want to explain it to everybody in my life. Too many disappointed family, friends, and in-laws to answer to. My ex-husband felt the same way. I asked his permission to write about it. He said yes, and so, I did – Love, Loss, and Wishes for My 43rd Birthday. The response was overwhelming, in a good way. I wrote with complete raw honesty, describing events, emotions, thoughts, and insights. I couldn’t help it, though, I had to include sociological studies to “back up my claims” – for me, though, I was an example of one person’s lived experience that was affirmed in its ties to the broader understanding of relationships, marriage, family, and infertility.

Since then, I’ve written when inspired. So, if you’re inspired to write, I encourage you to start a blog. Write for yourself. You’ll find it liberating. Share as much as you want, but only the parts you want. You don’t have to divulge anything too personal for you. But you do want to communicate your emotions and those inner thoughts that you might not say aloud, because if you don’t, readers won’t feel much. I think that’s what most readers want – they want to feel. Describe settings, actions and people. Use the five senses. Sight – what did you observe? Sound – what did you hear? Touch – what were the textures? Smell – what were the scents? Taste – what was the palate? Also, it’s very important to learn about “show, don’t tell.”

For a sabbatical in 2018, I was encouraged by an author friend to write a memoir. So, I did. Memoirs aren’t biographies. You don’t start with the day you were born and end to present day. You choose a significant event or period in your life that illustrates a broader theme. I chose to write about being a refugee girl who grew up in Texas and went through a wild ride as an adolescent, shifting my life course after being shot during a pool hall brawl. The story was to be told as “from gang life to professor.” I completed a full manuscript draft in three months – 16 chapters with approximately 100,000 words. In early 2019, another author friend sent the manuscript to his agent. She liked it, but said I need a book proposal to get it published. Now, let me share about the pathways to publishing a book. There are essentially 3 pathways. There is a lot of information that I could write about, but I found a recent post that explains it all very well, with pros and cons of each route. After reading about the 3 pathways, I explored all of them.

I followed the book proposal template that my author friend’s agent shared with me. I had never written one before, and it was hard as fuck to do. I had to take a template and tailor it to me and my story. I found a great post that explained how to write a book proposal for nonfiction narrative (which includes memoir). I never got around to finishing it in 2019 because the documentary film “Seadrift” was released, and as the film’s advisor and one of the associate producers, I traveled regularly for screenings across America. By the end of 2019, I went back to the proposal. My author friend checked in on me regularly, asking me where it was at and holding me accountable. Find someone in your corner to hold you accountable.

In early 2020, I completed the proposal during my winter break. But then, Covid-19 came upon us. By summer 2020, Vu got sick, and by fall 2020, he was gone. It was August that I poured my guts out into a blog to ask for help. I never, ever, ever expected it to make the reach that it did. Donations, readers, comments, private messages and emails came in by the thousands. After he passed, I had to grieve. I tried to write about it, thinking it would be cathartic. But when I did, all I did was sob. In retrospect, I’ve learned that sobbing helps. It’s a natural element of grief and healing.

I decided to take a break from writing my blog. Crying uncontrollably every few nights was taking its toll on me. I returned to academic writing, publishing a journal article (2021) and a book chapter (to be released in 2024). But the literary world wouldn’t leave me alone, and I’m grateful it didn’t! I was invited to write for a magazine and a pop culture book. They were small pieces, but to be asked to write in literary form was affirming. In the summer of 2022, I was healing well, having been through quite a bit of introspection and soul searching. I decided it was time to come back to my memoir. One of the best things you can do for your writing is to read in your genre. I did just that. I was done with 5 memoirs – On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong (loved it), Sigh Gone (was ok) by Phuc Nguyen, House of Sticks (was good) by Ly Tran, Minor Feelings by (was enlightening) Cathy Park Hong, Tastes Like War (was sad but too many academic insertions disrupted the narrative) by Grace Cho – when my girlfriend lent me a copy of Heavy: an American Memoir by Kiese Laymon. This book rocked my mind and spirit.

Heavy is a poignant memoir about growing up a “hard-headed black son to a complicated and brilliant black mother in Jackson, Mississippi.” He writes so vulnerably about sexual violence as a child, his suspension from college (I can relate), his journey to New York as a college professor (I can relate), and his complex battles with weight, relationships, addiction to gambling (I could not relate but it was compelling to understand his experiences). He writes in epistolary form – letter writing, as it is written to his mother with whom he has a challenging relationship. She was a single mom with trauma and addictions of her own. She was extremely hard on him, not wanting him to be a “failure” of a black male in America. The book starts off with his confession that she wanted him to write a success story, but he cannot. I read the book in one sitting, starting on a sunny Saturday afternoon and finishing by 3am. I woke up the next morning and read through some passages I bookmarked. I bought my own copy and read through it again. It was revelatory on many levels. First, the ending does not have a silky ribbon wrapped around it. Second, obstacles are overcome in some ways and not so much on others. Lastly, Laymon and those in his book are both good and flawed. Humans are nuanced. I loved it.

The biggest revelation in reading Heavy was its epistolary approach. I took a walk one morning without Pork Chop. He’s so slow! Sniffing every bush, flower, tree trunk, hydrant, and pole along the way. In my brisk pace, I studied the foggy marine layer above me, the bright flowers below me, and the crashing waves in front of me as I approached the beach. The breeze touched my skin and recharged my brain. It dawned on me. What the fuck… my memoir will be in epistolary form! A love letter to Vu.

I started in October 2022. Every night, I wrote from 9pm to whenever. No social life, except for the occasional non-profit or campus events. If someone wanted to have dinner with me, it had to end by 8pm so I could be home to start writing by 9pm. I got little sleep on many nights (3-4 hours), but I supplemented those nights with hour long naps the next afternoon. This was my rhythm for 3 months. I had a good friend read each chapter when it was done. He gave me incredible feedback along the way. He bugged me every few days, “You done with the next chapter yet? I need my dope!” By December 2022, I completed a brand new, 100,000 word manuscript – one long tragic love story in the form of a letter written to Vu. I spent many hours pouring through our letters and selected passages that would fit into the story. Readers will get a peek into the words between us during our time together.

In early 2023, I was still thinking about which path to take for publication. I spoke with authors who did self-publishing, vanity/hybrid publishing, and traditional publishing. In honesty, the idea of traditional publishing was of interest because to me, it meant something “prestigious” – affirmed by the “professionals”, but I was afraid my writing wouldn’t be good enough. These other traditionally published authors have degrees in writing, have been in writing retreats, and have other significant literary published works. I have none of those. Then again, several of these authors are academics, like me. But the self-doubt in me was reverberating loudly in my head. My traditionally published author friends told me I had to try this route first. If it doesn’t work out, then consider otherwise. So, I did. I wrote a new book proposal during my winter break and started researching how to find a literary agent. Then I started querying agents in mid January. Some through direct email. Some through Query Manager. Different agents ask for different things. It took me many long nights to research a long list of agents that were looking for memoirs/narrative nonfiction. I created a document listing their name and their method of querying. I did them in batches. Ten on the first round, then early February, another ten. Then another ten in March. In April, I submitted my full manuscript to DVAN’s (Diasporic Vietnamese Artists Network) call for Vietnamese/Southeast Asian memoirs.

While I waited for responses, I spoke to a couple of people who published the vanity press route. For some reason, the thought of paying money to publish my book nagged at me. Maybe the refugee in me didn’t want to shell out for it. Same with self-publishing, which also comes with all the work by yourself. I ain’t got time for that! But then, I spoke to someone who self-published, and he loved the process. He shared that it’s not hard to do, and since I have a good network of people in my corner, marketing wouldn’t be difficult. Inspired by him, I was on the cusp of going that route, especially when the query rejections started coming to my inbox. I wasn’t deterred though, taking nothing personally. I knew it would be hard to land an agent. It’s part of the process. Everyone gets rejected. My author friends told me they were rejected up to 100 times before they got a literary agent! Some agents replied very kindly, some replied with what seemed like a template/form rejection, and some ghosted me, never even responding – even one who was a referral. By early May, with no takers, I was seriously thinking about the self-publish route when a Zoom meeting altered my course.

A young Vietnamese woman author was writing her second traditionally published book. She writes fiction but wanted to make sure her settings were accurate. This second book is set in Houston, Texas. Several people told her “If you want info on Houston Vietnamese, you gotta talk to Thao Ha.” We met on Zoom, and she asked me about growing up in Houston and in the Vietnamese community. When I got to my adolescent years, explaining my involvement with gangs, she gasped loudly and put her hand on her mouth with eyes wide open. She blurted out, “Oh my gosh, wait. Wait. Thao, you wrote that blog, didn’t you?! The one about your loved one in prison!” I confirmed that it was me. She then stated, “Oh my God, I remember reading that and crying so bad and sharing it with all my friends. I was in Seattle at the time, but it reached me, and I can’t believe I never put two and two together until now that it was you!” We stopped talking about her book. “Thao, you have to write a book!” To which I responded, “Thank you for that. I did! I’m in the middle of querying agents, but it’s been about 4 months and no takers. This summer I have time off so I think I’ll self publish.” She slammed her hand on her desk and replied vigorously, “Oh hell no, Thao! You are not going to do that. Your writing is too good for that. I’ll kill you if you do that. Please, you have to find an agent and do traditional publishing!”

She referred me to her agent. I sent her agent my book proposal. Within a couple of weeks, her agent wanted a virtual meeting with me. I did all my homework on what to do in a meeting with an agent. Two days before the meeting, I read through a Twitter storm about the agency that this agent works at. It was bad and related to how the management treated one of the agents (not the one I was meeting) and their authors when the agent was let go abruptly. It got me anxious, but my author friends said not to worry too much. Apparently this shit happens more often than one would think in the literary publishing world. Yikes! Maybe I should just go back to the self-publishing idea. But I went through with the meeting. I loved this agent’s energy, and the meeting went so well! She offered to represent me (as this is often the case when an agent wants to meet). Luckily, she was going on sabbatical for the month of June and said to take my time, that I could let her know my decision when she’s back. This was great because standard practice is that when you get an offer, you go back to any open queries and let those agents know you have an offer of representation and give 2 weeks for a reply. So, I did that. Some agents from my query months ago replied with a kind rejection. Two agents replied and requested I send them my full manuscript. One agent asked me to revise my manuscript and resubmit. She wrote:

It is a fascinating and dramatic way to think about love, chance, and opportunity. I have such a strong sense that our narrator (you!) is a thoughtful, wise, vulnerable person who is very much worth hearing from. But the project still reads as fairly raw. It feels like a therapy journal as much as a book manuscript. There are certainly ways in which a raw, direct voice can work, but the material here reads as still somewhat unprocessed to me. I wonder if a developmental editor would be helpful to you. A few freelance editors who come to mind are ___, ___ , and ___. All of this aside, ___ tells me you have nice interest from multiple agents, which is terrific. I hope another agent has a strong vision for the book with you and you have great success with it. I would love to buy a copy when that time comes!

I viewed her email as very positive, but I knew in my heart that my writing is indeed a therapeutic journey that I hope readers will embark with me.

My Vietnamese fiction writer friend was still worried about the agency troubles even though her agent offered me representation. She connected me with another referral to an agent who represents a friend of hers. The agent asked me to submit my query through Query Manager. The next day, she emailed asking to meet with me. Four days later, we spoke on the phone, and she offered to rep me. I was excited about her. She’s a quick thinker. I got the sense she was all about business. A lot of advice about getting an agent points to understanding that this should be a mutually beneficial and solid, long term relationship. But it’s key to remember, books are a business. Remind yourself that there are many reasons an agent might love your story, but if they don’t think they can sell it, they won’t rep you. There are many reasons why an agent rejects your project – some you can control, some you can’t. Again, it’s a business. And my potential agent, Amy Bishop of Dystel, Bourret & Goderich, LLC, was all about business. She did want me to rethink my structure and wanted me to rework the framing. I liked what she suggested. I took a couple of weeks to think it over. I read Crying in HMart (very good) by Michelle Zauner, Living Remedy (also very good) by Nicole Chung, and Stay True (excellent) by Hua Hsu (was recently announced as 2022 Pulitzer Prize winner for Memoir). The structure of these 3 books were all the same! I could absolutely see how I could rework my manuscript and mold it to that form while still holding true to my original intent.

I hired an attorney to review the contract. It took two weeks and $900 for the attorney to get it in the shape I wanted it. I had read up on what to know about agency contracts. I sent it to Amy. Two days later, she sends me back a version that explained what changes they accepted and what they could not (and why they could not). She was thorough and was quick with her turnaround. I let it sit for a day and felt good about it. By the end of June, I signed the contract. I wrote to the other agents who had my proposal but had not responded. I let them know I was withdrawing because I found an agent. The following week, I got on a call with Amy, and she explained what she wanted a revised book proposal. She also noted she wanted to pitch to publishers in September. Wow, that is a fast turnaround. She gave me an agency guideline for nonfiction proposals and sample of one (a memoir) written by an author she reps. She told me to take my time, that she was taking time off from July 20 to July 31 to get married. But I could not wait. I got to work on in right away. My parents were in town so I hung out with them all day and evening and wrote when they went to sleep. Five days later, I sent it to her. I wanted it in her queue – she’s got other clients sending her stuff, too! On July 19, the day before she took off, she sent me her feedback. She is an amazing editor! I worked on the edits and sent them back the night of July 30. The same morning of July 31, she wrote that she wanted to include my project in their newsletter they publish 3 times a year. It goes to their list of over 2,000 editors and film contacts.

When I read the email, I could not help but smile. I felt warm and fuzzy and excited! I worked on it that night and sent it the next day. She gave me feedback the following day. By Aug 2, we were both pleased with it. I can’t wait to see it in the newsletter!

On Aug 7, she gave me feedback on my revised proposal. It was light compared to the prior feedback. I worked on it right away and sent it back the same night. At this point, I feel like I definitely made a great choice. I love her fast pace because clearly, I like to work fast, too. I’m waiting to hear back, but I have a feeling it will come soon in the upcoming weeks since September is around the corner. In the meantime, I have classes to get ready for (Aug 21 is the first day of classes) and workshops to host and meetings to attend. I have non-profit events to prep for and board meetings too hold. I have family I need to take care of and talk to everyday. I have friends I need to touch base with and a sweet dog I have to feed and walk and bathe and groom. I have a life outside of this writing process, and that’s what keeps me going instead of being anxious waiting for the process to come. What will come will come.

And that is where I’m at, my friends. I’m keeping the faith that when the project goes on submission to publishers in September that it will go as it should. I understand it will take time. I understand it might not have any takers or hopefully many takers or just one taker which is all you need. I understand it might take another round of submissions. I understand it may not sell, and my agent will know what to do next. I also understand I have other options should this not work out. I understand that no matter what, the story will be out there for readers someday. Whatever happens in the next few months, I am grateful for how far I’ve gotten and proud of myself for the work I’m putting in. I enjoy writing so much. I talked to my mom this morning and told her my plans today to write this blog because when I announced that I landed an agent, several people messaged me wanting to learn about my writing process – they want to do it, too. She asked me how I learned to write so well. I have no idea. I really don’t. I just do it. And that is what you should do if you’re inspired to go on a writer’s journey. Just write. And I hope the steps and links I provided help with the technical pieces of this process. Not everyone makes it, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know.