Intentions

I didn’t intend to write today. I didn’t intend to post to social media. In fact, I had intentionally avoided social media for the last month – 31 days to be exact since my last post. Today should be special enough to post about. It’s the 3rd anniversary of my beloved Vu’s passing. But for the last 31 days, I’ve set my intentions inward with a deep focus on meditation. Through this introspective journey, I wanted to find more inner peace and love. I shut out the external distractions of social media.

Over the past 31 days, there have been troubling times and celebratory times. There are struggles, and there are milestones. Some are miniscule and light like pebbles on a dusty trail while some are so large they heap layers and layers of dread into your soul. I learned more about this feeling of lingering dread by listening to Stephanie Foo’s memoir about child abuse and complex PTSD, What My Bones Know. In her story, she describes this concept of the dread so well and how it manifested from childhood trauma. I haven’t done enough introspection nor have I had any therapy to know if I have “the dread” or complex PTSD, but I do know that I often allow pain, hurt, rejection, and anxiety to linger and then I stuff the feelings away. I often don’t process these negative feelings. Then I keep my heart closed to the people or situations that caused those feelings. I learned from reading The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer that it is natural to feel pain, fear, hurt, rejection, anxiety, but if we don’t release the feelings, we are keeping our hearts closed. If our hearts are closed, how can we ever feel love again? How can I love others, but more importantly, how can I love myself if my heart is constantly closed?

What deep meditation has done, as well as studying the wisdom of the Stoics, is allowed me understand the practice of keeping my heart open. It’s not just about relaxation, although it’s very relaxing! It’s about coming to center within myself regardless of the amazing or horrific things that come my way. It’s about the breathing techniques and the mindfulness of my emotions. It’s learning that it’s okay to not feel okay, and it’s okay to feel high in the sky elation – but then recognizing how to come back to a place of calm knowing that all things great and all things awful will come and go. In all things, this too shall pass. How can I control my own thoughts, emotions, and intentions to come back to a balanced inner self? This is how a heart stays open. This is where love comes from.

Think about what it feels like when you love someone or feel loved by someone. It’s a glorious feeling, isn’t it? But as soon as the dread comes, for whatever external reasons, we lose that good feeling. Maybe someone lied to us. Dissed us. Rejected us. Ignored us. Talked shit about us. It’s normal to feel upset. But the lesson I’m taking away from all this is to not stay in the upset space for too long. Don’t let it linger. And don’t bury it away. Address it. Deal with it. Process it. But don’t let it close up my heart. Come back to center to keep the heart open.

Of course, it doesn’t mean when someone harms us in any of those ways that they should just get a pass. This has me pondering about setting boundaries. Who gets forgiveness? Who gets second chances? Who gets less access? Who gets cut off? These should be intentional decisions coming from a place of open heart and open mind. It also comes with the intention of self love… which is the act of setting boundaries and knowing when and how many times someone has violated them. Too many times, I’ve let things slide. Meditation and the teachings of the Stoics have strengthened my resolve in protecting boundaries. I’m not afraid to lose people who continue to harm me. I’m not afraid of being rejected or ignored by people. I’ve learned that as long as I am centered, I am loved and I am full of love.

So today, on the 3rd anniversary of Vu’s passing, I woke up at 5am and meditated for an hour. Then I lit incense and said a prayer for Vu and then prayers for my loved ones who are currently suffering from difficult circumstances. I walked into the world full of peace, love and inspiration. The sun was shining. The birds were chirping. The palm trees were swaying. I felt no need to post anything about this day.

When we put out that energy, the universe cannot help itself in returning love and inspiration. I received an email from my agent that she’s officially submitting my book to publishers tomorrow, but that there are already multiple interested big firm publishers – their requests for my material either came from my agency’s newsletter or connections my agent made over lunches/drinks/meetings.

I came to campus and got compliments on my outfit, my hair, my smile. I got hugs from 7 people even before lunchtime. Seven people! One of those was Fran, a lovely young woman in our public information office. I saw her in the cafeteria. She wore a beautiful deep blue blouse, and when I said hello, she flashed her bright smile and gave me a hug.

Me: How are your babies, Mommy? They must be growing up so quickly!

Fran: Yes! I can’t believe my son is already 6 months old. It’s been great, though. I love being a mom. I read you have a book coming. You posted it on social media.

Me: Oh, yeah. It’s still a long process. And I’ve stayed away from social media to focus on some other things.

Fran: But I love reading your posts. They’re inspiring.

Me: (feeling so loved and appreciated) Awwww, well ya know what, Fran? I’m gonna post tonight! And I’m gonna dedicated it to you!

Fran: (eyes light up as she giggles) Oh that would be so cool!

Then came class time. I had to evaluate an instructor so I had a sub come teach mine while I did the evaluation. When I finished the evaluation, I went to my class. My sub was an amazing woman I once mentored. She’s now a stellar instructor. My students praised her, and said she was great! As she was leaving, I noticed a vase with flowers on the table. I told her not to forget her flowers. She has a huge grin and said, “They’re for you. And I’m not supposed to say who they’re from!”

I read the note on the card, and I cried. In front of my students. The note has lyrics from a song that Vu once dedicated to me about one of us always waiting on the other. My students wanted to know what’s up?! Are you okay?! So I take a few minutes to share the backstory leading to the flowers. Their attention is captured, which then I used to get us back into the lesson on the structures of economic inequality. After class was done, four female students talked to me separately. They said my story touched them and inspired them. They cried and wanted to give me a hug. Of course I said yes!

By the time I left campus, I had received 11 hugs today. Eleven! Along with a beautiful bouquet of flowers which I quickly deduced came from my dear friend and colleague, Ashley! She always remembers this special day and gave me a reason to cry and to smile. And Fran gave me a reason to smile and share this today. And all of this… all of this love today, I truly believe is because I walked into the world with open heart and intentions of love.